A New Pillow

Yesterday I bought a new pillow

Thinking that I have made a new start

Thinking that I have finally forgotten you

But the same night, I christened it with my tears filled with your memories.

I don’t know what triggered it.

Was it the quiet and loneliness of the night?

Or was it the happiness of finally moving on?

Was it the trying not to think about you?

Maybe it was the fear of moving on from you, of betraying you.

Yes, even 3 years after our break up

I still feel like I am betraying you if I don’t think about you even for a day

It could have been the memories of all those nights when I cried myself to sleep

All those nights when you fought with me and slept like a baby, while I pushed my head in my pillow and wept in silence, making sure that the sound of my grief does not disturb you.

I was stupid for hoping that this new pillow on this new bed in the new house would help me make a new start.

Because I forgot that to make a new start, I must first stop.

I must stop loving you with every ounce of my body

I need to stop picturing you by my side every step of the way

I need to stop hoping that you will realize that I was the best you could do and come back to me one day.

It is this hope that keeps me up at nights

This hope keeps me glued to my phone

It makes me check your Facebook and Whatsapp and Instagram and Snapchat to make sure that you haven’t posted anything for me

I need to make sure that I don’t miss anything that you have shared that I am supposed to see, even though you have blocked me.

I need to stop with these fake profiles and this false hope because you are never coming back to me. Because you never loved me the way I loved you and you never will.

But for now, I just hope that tonight when I rest my head on my pillow, I can fall asleep peacefully... without thinking about you.