Can I have just one day?

Can I have just one day when I can go out and just enjoy myself? When none of you stare at me. When none of you make me feel like I am looking so different than you all that you have never seen anyone like that and so you HAVE to stare. 

Please... seriously... don’t elbow someone else when you see me and then laugh amongst yourselves. I can see you and probably even guess why you are laughing. In fact, you guys have made me so paranoid that now even when someone is just laughing for no reason, I think that it is at my expense. 

The worst thing about your behavior is when you guys click pictures. Seriously man... am I a monument or a piece of art that you want to click my picture and share it with your friends? It does not matter where I am or what I am doing. Whether I am chilling in the swimming pool with my friends or praying at a temple or simply window-shopping at the mall. What’s up with this kind of behavior? 

What surprises me the most, is that this behavior is not limited to a gender or age or people of a certain educational background. You all behave the same way. 

Yes, I am fat. If you find an uncontrollable urge to stare at fat people please just google images of fat people and then laugh as hard as you want int the safety of your home before you step out in the world, because when you look at me and do that, what you don’t realize is that I am a human. And although I don’t give a fuck about what you people think about me, I have days when I feel low. And on those days, you people just get under my skin. 

So if you cannot do anything to make this world a better place, please don't make it worse than it already is.

You are TWO!!!

My dear Laksh,

You are turning two

There are so many things that are going to be new.

But some things will be just the same

Like mummy and daddy’s love and all your daily games

This last year was exceptional.

You learnt to walk and throw and run.

And though we had a few setbacks,

Not one moment was dull.

If you live up to your reputation,

The next one will be exciting as well.

I am sure you are going to spread love,

And with that smile, make a lot of hearts melt.

As your masi and your mother,

I just have one wish for you,

May the world see you for who you are,

And not just as ‘The Lucky Few’.

You’re the Worst

You were there for me when he broke my heart,

And you were there for me when I thought I couldn’t go on.

You made me smile again and you made me laugh,

And you helped me pick up the pieces and move on.

You came to pick me up when I was drunk on that rainy night

And you always took all of my tantrums without a fight.

You never touched me without my permission,

And you made my happiness your life’s mission.

You made me believe I could do anything and you made me fall in love again,

You made me feel beautiful and confident, and safe and sane.

You showed me the life I can build for myself

And you told me you will support me, forever.

You told me I can say anything to you,

You said that I can yell and you would stay with me, wherever.

And that is why you are worse than all of the others

Because after making all these promises, you left.

One day, without any notice, without saying goodbye,

You made me question everything about us, like it was all a lie.

I know I hurt you and I yelled, but you told me that I could.

And, unlike the others, you were always kind and gentle and good.  

But in the end, there was no difference, your actions seemed rehearsed,

because you did exactly what they did, in fact, what you did was way worse.

A New Pillow

Yesterday I bought a new pillow

Thinking that I have made a new start

Thinking that I have finally forgotten you

But the same night, I christened it with my tears filled with your memories.

I don’t know what triggered it.

Was it the quiet and loneliness of the night?

Or was it the happiness of finally moving on?

Was it the trying not to think about you?

Maybe it was the fear of moving on from you, of betraying you.

Yes, even 3 years after our break up

I still feel like I am betraying you if I don’t think about you even for a day

It could have been the memories of all those nights when I cried myself to sleep

All those nights when you fought with me and slept like a baby, while I pushed my head in my pillow and wept in silence, making sure that the sound of my grief does not disturb you.

I was stupid for hoping that this new pillow on this new bed in the new house would help me make a new start.

Because I forgot that to make a new start, I must first stop.

I must stop loving you with every ounce of my body

I need to stop picturing you by my side every step of the way

I need to stop hoping that you will realize that I was the best you could do and come back to me one day.

It is this hope that keeps me up at nights

This hope keeps me glued to my phone

It makes me check your Facebook and Whatsapp and Instagram and Snapchat to make sure that you haven’t posted anything for me

I need to make sure that I don’t miss anything that you have shared that I am supposed to see, even though you have blocked me.

I need to stop with these fake profiles and this false hope because you are never coming back to me. Because you never loved me the way I loved you and you never will.

But for now, I just hope that tonight when I rest my head on my pillow, I can fall asleep peacefully... without thinking about you.

Being a Mother

When your definition of love changes from one heart and two souls to two tiny feet and one small head.

When your weekend is spent going to the park with your little one rather than a club with a bunch of friends.

When catching a game doesn’t mean going to the bar or stadium anymore, but to a small playground surrounded with equally enthusiastic parents.

When a date means two toddlers running around your house, and not dinner at a fancy restaurant.

When your vacation plans change from unexplored places to family-friendly destinations.

When your ‘I-told-you-so’s’ change into ‘I can’t believe they did that to you’.

When shopping sprees aren’t for high heels and short dresses, but for onesies and tiny tiaras.

When you check ratings for everything from movies to restaurants, and from hotels to schools.

When you start looking at a crying baby in a movie theatre with empathy instead of irritation.

When your name is called out a million times a day and you are made to believe that you run the entire universe,

You know you are a mom!

Happie Mother’s Day!

P.S. If you are a mother and you don’t relate to this post, it doesn’t mean that you are doing it wrong. It simply means that I haven’t met you yet.

P.P.S. If you have a child who walks on four feet and not two, you are still a mother.

Be your own kind of mother.

Happie Women’s Day!!!

She is fierce. She is loyal. She is strong. She is sensitive. She is hardworking. She is hustling. She is struggling to make ends meet. She is finding her place in this world. She is fighting for equality. She is gorgeous AF. She is your friend. She is your mother. She is your daughter. She is your girlfriend. She is your lover. She is your wife. She is a woman.

Whether she is spending her hard-earned money on shoes or is investing in her future. Whether she is raising 2 kids or is raising herself. Whether she is managing a house or climbing the corporate ladder, or doing both. Whether she is a one-man woman or is dating 4 people at the same time. Whether she is independent or is intertwined with her better half. Whether she loves a man or a woman, or both. As long as she is making her own decisions, all’s cool.

Love to all the women in the world who are not hating on each other. Cheers to all the women who are doing everything that they ever wanted to do. And the loudest shout out to the women who are fighting for all of us today, so that our tomorrow and the today of all our beautiful young girls is filled with nothing but humanity and equality.

Here’s to hoping that our daughters live in a world where they don’t need to know words like wage inequality and #metoo. Where the words ‘you are a woman’ only come up when talking about our gender and not our capabilities.

Happie Women’s Day!!!

Looking for love

I am looking for a love that makes my heart explode

I am looking for a love that books are written about and movies are made about

I am looking for a love that makes my world turn upside down

I am looking for a love that keeps me on my toes and yet makes me feel grounded

I am looking for a love that makes me feel week in the knees and strong in the mind

I am looking for a love that takes me on a whirlwind ride yet makes me feel at home

I am looking for a love that makes me believe all the romantic songs I have ever heard are true

I am looking for a love that makes me want to keep going even when there’s nothing left

I am looking for a love that will make me love myself even more

Anything mediocre just wouldn’t do.

Photo by mari lezhava on Unsplash